Holidazed

by Mel Crashing

Ah, the Holidays, or as I lovingly refer to it as “Holidaze.” 



Around Thanksgiving, I decided to be resolute. I was going to have a good friggin’ holiday season. Last week was a test on my resolution, as it always is, every December. The stress gets to everyone I guess. I am of course, not immune. Still, this Holidaze is going to be great! It is! Fake smile and all!

White Winter



We’ve lived in Oregon for, I dunno, almost six years now. This will be the fifth Portland Winter we’ve been through together. This is the weirdest Winter so far. It’s not even technically Winter yet, and we’ve already seen snow. Nothing monumental, just a few inches. And snow is great, it’s totally fine. The unfortunate thing is having to drive in it. Not everyone can afford to stay home. Some folks still have to get to work, despite the weather outside. The other thing that makes it really hard is because Portland typically has mild winters, the snow at some point usually shifts to freezing rain and the top layer of snow becomes ice. Driving on snow is one thing, driving on ice is… NOPE. I get that we’re pretty whimpy when it comes to weird weather. We just deal with it so infrequently that we don’t really know how to deal with it. 
Here’s a link to a live feed from the snow storm that turned the roads into parking lots. It’s fun. We don’t deal with snow well.

Sure is pretty to look at. When it all turned to ice it was a PAIN


I uh… rented a Jeep Renegade from Enterprise because the anxiety of having to drive in all of that was just a bit much.

Shiny. Also, afternoon before snow came. Yay for planning ahead!

Renting a jeep was worth it. That thing handled snow so well, I was driving like a total arsehole. I’m just kidding. But seriously, I did not want to give it back. Thanks Enterprise!


Gift Giving

You know what I love not doing every holiday season? Going to the mall. I haven’t been to the mall in a few years now, and I avoid it at all costs. It turns out its not hard. Thanks, Amazon!

I hear you, voices in my head. “If you don’t go buy gifts at the mall, what do you give people for the holidays?” Boy am I glad you asked. This year I made DIY Sharpie mugs. You buy cheap mugs from Dollar Tree – I bought a case of 12 for $12. You also buy oil-based Sharpie markers (again, Thanks Amazon!). It was actually pretty easy. I sketched out some ideas on a sketch pad, cleaned the mugs with rubbing alcohol, and doodled. 

I doodled. Side note: don’t judge my DVD collection!


Now, I did about five minutes of internet research and the first round did not turn out well. Apparently they can be overcooked in the oven. These mugs were pretty much ruined and I had to do them over. By ruined I mean all of the pretty colors turned to varying shades of brown.

Tips and tricks: Cheap mugs are the best. This works best with OIL BASED Sharpies. Clean the mugs with rubbing alcohol before drawing on them with the oil based Sharpies. Also, rubbing alcohol and q-tips are great for touch ups or cleaning smudges. After you draw your mug and are finished, let it dry and set for a day. Three days if you want to be really sure. When you are ready, put them in your oven, then turn on the heat to 250 degrees and let them bake for 2 hours. Leave them in the oven after you turn it off to cool down. This will allow them to warm up gradually and cool down gradually so the paint doesn’t crack. Do it after dinner, towards the end of the night so you can just leave them to cool in the oven all night long. Final tip: hand wash only. Tell the recipients too. The dishwasher will remove some of the design.  

Inside joke: “Peaches are for assholes who like peaches”

Success!

Making a Festive Home: An Ode to Target

Our 4 foot tall tree from Target
I don’t know if we’ve mentioned this (we have), but we live in an apartment. It’s a pretty small two bedroom apartment. I am almost resentful of our holiday decor because I have to store it somewhere during non-Holidaze times. We don’t decorate a whole lot. And all of our decor comes from Target. We have a fake 4 foot tree we bought a couple of years ago. It breaks into pieces for easy storage. I also buy Target’s cheap, break resistant, covered in glitter ball ornaments. 

Here we have a cat modeling with a break resistant ornament

This year I decorated the tree in very modern and stylish gold and white glittery ornaments. I regretted it nearly immediately. But I was too lazy to switch to the rainbow glittery ornaments I bought last year. Thanks Target. We also hung up our stockings. Dean had a choice this year. His Pink and White fluffy Hello Kitty stocking, or his neon and green knit stocking (from, you guessed it, Target!). My stocking is probably 25 years old. It was hand knit by a patient of my mom’s (she’s a nurse) and it has my name on it with a fuzzy Santa. The best thing about this stocking is it’s stretchiness. When I was younger, my mom would stuff that thing to comically stretched out proportions. 

The Good, the Bad, and the Nope.

Speaking of holiday music…….
My mom’s favorite Holiday album is Elvis Presley’s Christmas Album. I used to think “Blue Christmas” was hilarious. Now it just hurts. Listen to Elvis Presley’s “Blue Christmas” on YouTube if you DARE.

Here are Mel’s top three favorite Holiday songs!

3. “Feliz Navidad” by Jose Feliciano Listen @ YouTube while watching a roaring and cozy fire


I know that my favorite Holidaze song being about heartbreak probably says a lot about me, I don’t care. I love it. 

Mel’s most hated Holiday songs:

3. “Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer” all versions. A lesson on bullying? Yeah Rudolph, they’re only nice to you when they need you. Real world lesson. Can they just stop with this one? Please?
2. “Little Drummer Boy” all versions. This song is so boring. Ugh. Argh. No.
1. “Happy Xmas (War is Over)” by John Lennon and Yoko Ono. Listen here. I hate this pandering bullshit of a song. War is not over, which is evident by the sonic assault on my ears. Also, I just lived through 2016 (that’s a low blow on my part, RIP John Lennon). I would rather listen to “Wonderful Christmastime” by Paul McCartney on repeat in July than listen to this song once. Watch the horrendously ’80s winter hit! Clicky-clicky!

Oh no! John Lennon and Yoko Ono have taken a hostage! *photo credits to the original owner of the photograph*


Now on to movies!!!Mel’s Holiday favorites:

My opinion on movies is odd. I mean, I actually kinda liked that terrible(y cute) Melissa Joan Hart/Mario Lopez family channel Holiday romcom. Also, this list changes every year. So, brace yourselves.

3. “Elf” starring Will Ferrell. Watch the trailer on YouTube

Credits to New Line Cinema

2. “Christmas Vacation” starring Chevy Chase. Trailer here!

Credits to John Hughes Entertainment and Warner Bros

1. “While You Were Sleeping” starring Sandra Bullock and Bill Pullman. Trailer here!

Credits to Hollywood Pictures


If there’s a movie that will pull me out of a holiday funk, it’s “While You Were Sleeping.” Now if we can just get Sandra Bullock and Tom Hanks in a movie together, it would literally cause the universe to implode. 


Worst Holiday Movies, according to Mel.

3. Those creepy stop animation movies. 
2.”Ernest Saves Christmas.” I tried watching this recently. It was so hard.
1. “A Christmas Story.” “You’ll shoot your eye out, kid.” I don’t know if it’s because they play this movie SO MUCH on TBS every year or if it’s because it is actually a pretty disturbing movie and it makes me uncomfortable. Or the blatant racism. I hate this movie. I decided to sit through it again, for the sake of this blog entry, just so I could have a fresh brain for how much I hate it, but it’s no longer on Netflix. I didn’t watch it. Ha! I win. 

The pure, innocent look on his face before he, and we the audience, becomes traumatized. Credits to MGM.

In all seriousness though, I hope everyone has a great holiday season, whatever you may celebrate. Spread kindness. Be cool. Love to all.

Bah humbug. 


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